no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
