I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
