i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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