i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
