I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
