"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
