My sheets look like a crime scene.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
