I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
