so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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