She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
