Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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