The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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