i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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