Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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