I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
