so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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