I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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