Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
