She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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