her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
