he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
