so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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