I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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