I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
