I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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