shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
