I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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