I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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