did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize