Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
