Your face is a jimmy john
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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