my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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