I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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