I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
