You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
