My sheets look like a crime scene.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
