My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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