Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
