Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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