I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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