I am midnight drunk by noon
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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