So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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