Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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