so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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