I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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