I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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