I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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