You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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