I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In other news, I just burned my penis
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My ass is underappreciated
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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