Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
