2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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