she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
