I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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