So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
