just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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