y did u give ur computer a hand job?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
