the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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