I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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