so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
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