i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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