I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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