ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize