Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
