Umm I'm too high to move.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
