Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
