Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
