I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
