Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
